Divorce can get ugly. Sometimes we never expect it. We spend twenty years of our lives with someone and find out they never really were who we thought. It’s confusing and heartbreaking and there is so much to learn that can be very costly during the whole process.

I wish I’d known these things before I got divorced, I wish I’d listened to people who knew or knew more people who knew.

I won’t let you go through it alone. I got you. From my traumatic experience, I will help others be more prepared, drown less in their sorrow, lose less money, and come out happier and healthier than I was.

Going through a divorce? Getting ready to get divorced? I am here for you. Here are all the things I wish I had known before divorce.

When did I get divorced?

I separated in December 2016, divorced in 2018, and did not have a financial or child settlement until 2019. In Australia, you must be separated for 1 year to apply for divorce. From what I understand financial settlement must be then started or finalized one year after that.

If you remain separated and get an inheritance, car, or house, the other party can claim it. So go ahead with your divorce when you can.

Did I know I was going to get divorced?

No, I was completely blind-sided when my husband requested “time off” from our marriage for 3 months to find himself. He must have found something glorious, because he announced the end of our 20-year relationship, and 15 years of marriage on a phone call.

Did it get ugly?

In the same breath he announced he was out, he wanted to discuss finances and children. I hadn’t even processed the end let alone ready to discuss that.

It was less than one week from his announcement that he hacked my Travel With Bender business, stole money from our bank accounts, and hired a lawyer to gain full custody of our children. At that time, I had not even processed the marriage was over, let alone that this man I had known for 20 years could do this to his family.

Is there a way to stay pleasant?

Of course, there is! I haven’t met many that did manage it, but if you can I am applauding you and wishing I had been in your shoes. This is not the blog post for you. Or maybe it is and will help you stay civil.

I NEVER expected my divorce to be like this. So, if you are thinking this is a bit far-fetched and perhaps advice you don’t need. Please listen to me. I was not prepared. I did not think my husband would ever behave in a way where I needed to protect myself. My relationship was my safe zone. And when that shatters it’s hard to keep up. Don’t be on the back foot. Be prepared.

Am I a lawyer?

I am not a lawyer. Nor am I a divorce coach. I can only share my own experiences based on my time spent in Melbourne Family Law Courts. Please do not take anything in this article as legal advice. You need to see a lawyer for that. And I definitely recommend legal advice.

15 Things I Wish I Knew Before Divorce

1. I wish I didn’t waste time on grief

The biggest thing I wish I had known before the divorce was to NOT waste time on divorce grief.

There was a time during my separation when my kids were joking in the car, and I couldn’t laugh, let alone smile. I thought I would never smile again.

I thought I’d never get flowers again, jewelry, love.

It was such a waste of head space, and all lies. So many lies.

It took me 3 months of therapy to realize that I would be happy again. I had breath, I had life, I had gorgeous children. I had many reasons to be 100 percent happy.

And then within 7 months, I found love.

6 years later I wonder why I ever spent that time grieving the loss of something that needed to die so that I could live. Live better than ever before. Live the life I was deserving of.

Don’t spend too long in your grief.

I’m so thankful that I came through my grief so fast. And if you’re reading this wondering the same thing, where the light in the tunnel is after the pain of divorce? It’s there. I promise you it’s there. Keep running that tunnel, the light is coming.

2. I Wish I had Frozen All Accounts

When my best friend told me to freeze all our accounts, I told her not to be silly, that this was my husband, and that he would never rob me. Less than 2 days later money went missing from my account and my credit card was revoked.

I had to act very fast from there to stop the rest of the money from disappearing. I’ll never forget that morning going to buy my kids bread for their lunches and my credit card was declined, checking my bank account and discovering my best friend was right and our bank accounts were being drained.

I immediately went to the bank. I removed the remaining money into a private account. And froze all our home loans, and line of credit. Any money taken from these accounts while still married is joint debt. So, if you have joint credit cards removing the person is a necessary solution to take care of immediately. Any debt racked up by them is more than likely to be a joint debt.

Whether you think it’s going to get ugly or not, the safest thing to do is ensure you freeze all accounts to avoid unnecessary debt, and ensure the money is distributed correctly during the settlement. I never thought in a million years my children’s father would rob me. I was wrong.

Also, consider your payments. There is no such thing as 50/50. If you’re paying half your mortgage and thinking the other party must, they don’t. The bank does not care who is making the payments only that they are being made. So, if the mortgage doesn’t not get paid it affects both of you, whether you’ve paid half or not. Financial settlement should be taken care of as quickly as possible to avoid getting into any debt because of another person’s lack of responsibility.

Please ensure you understand what bank accounts you have and how much are in each. If you have any rental properties, please be careful about where that money is going. At one stage my tenant was told to change the bank account from our mortgage she was paying to a private bank account. I’m thankful they contacted me to check the situation, so that the mortgage was able to be continually paid.

3. I wish I had avoided court

In court, the only one that wins is the divorce lawyer. Avoid court at all costs. My 3-year war with a divorce attorney cost a small fortune of nearly $160,000.

If you can’t avoid court then do not let your emotions run the race. You do not need to retaliate or even reply to every email. A lawyer won’t tell you this because they love the $400, they make from a return email.

In Australia we have no-fault divorce proceedings, which means the judge will not care if he cheated, or if you didn’t change a nappy for a year. They simply want you to reach a financial settlement and ensure children receive a relationship with both of you.

Try to take each request with a grain of salt. Just because they request or demand something does not mean you are required to do it, unless it’s in writing from a judge/police. For example, your partner may demand the children’s passports for “safekeeping”. You do not have to produce them. Your spouse may also request that the courts grant full custody. It means nothing. It’s wishful thinking so don’t lose sleep over it, and certainly do not ever consider that it’s a wish that will be fulfilled.

4. I wish I had written down everything

If you are attending courts keep impeccable records. Make sure everything is in writing. Avoid phone calls with each other, and send emails or text messages.

5. I wish I had known Court was not the end

So, you got your court ruling. You won! But it’s not the end. A court can rule your ex needs to pay money, and if he doesn’t it means more court. Or if they leave the country, it means never receiving that ruling.

They can rule that the website you own needs to remove every image of you, and if they don’t more court. Or never receiving your ruling.

They can rule that the house you owned together now belongs to you. Without the other party here it’s more court. And then when those papers are served to the bank, it does not mean the bank is just going to hand over a mortgage straight into your hands unless you have finance approval.

Thankfully with court papers in hand and a finance approval, it all went through, but nothing is easy. Not even with the court’s full permission.

6. I Wish I Knew About The No Fly List

If you are scared that your partner may try to leave the country with your children, there is a list you can place them on so they are unable to fly.

It does cost quite a sum, but once on it takes a court order to take them off. And courts are not so easily convinced. My children’s father tried many times to remove the kids from this list. He was refused. The judge asked me when I would like them to come off. Overall, they stayed on for 2 years only coming off 6 moths after he abandoned his parenting responsibility.

You can read more about When Your Kids Are On The Australian Aiport Watchlist here.

7. I Wish I Knew About Child Support

It’s a headache you don’t need and a stress that can be avoided by immediately asking the government to handle it. I did listen to my best friend on this one, and the agency acts from the day you request it. Not the day you separated or divorced.

In saying all that do not ever rely on Child Support. There are ways to avoid it, and despite understanding how much children cost many parents avoid their biggest responsibility in life.

For me I knew I would never rely on that money, I would make my way and if the money ever came then yay for my kids, they can get a car, a wedding, their university paid, or a house payment, but with over $100k currently owing, I have no expectations of them ever receiving their payments. And I’m so proud I have provided every need for their entire lives.

Read more on Child Support in Australia here.

8. I Wish I Had A Parenting Plan Immediately

When a child is with a parent, they, in general, do not have to return them to another party unless there is something in writing.

It’s my opinion that I would never agree to let a child be released into the care of another parent until a written parenting plan/ child custody arrangement is in place. And while nothing in family law is ever foolproof, this is generally enough for the police to understand where the children are supposed to be.

Ensure this plan is stamped by the courts so it can be actioned by law enforcement.

9. I Wish I Knew Therapy Was The Best Thing I Could Do For My Kids & Me

Seeking therapy is one of the strongest things you can do for yourself and your kids. The weakness lies in those convinced they know everything and never entertain help.

On the scale of grief, divorce can be as bad as death. It’s traumatic, heartbreaking, and can cause serious depression. Having someone bring you back to reality is exactly what you need especially if you have been gaslit for some time.

Don’t forget to include your kids. Their little hearts are breaking too. In Australia, you may have access to free therapy plans. My children were able to see a psychologist during school hours to explore their feelings and find solace in someone who wasn’t biased like mum or Dad.

10. I wish I had known that parents are selfish

A big one. So, your relationship is over. But the one with your kids isn’t. Even when your relationship gets nasty, as upsetting as it can be, separate your relationship with them from their relationship with your kids.

Consider changing your language. I found going from “The ex” to the “Kids father” really helped me separate who he is to me and who he is to them.

Of course, it’s always hard when the other partner is not as grown up. Courts can rule that there is to be no talking of the other single parent, but trying to prove or enforce that on someone hell-bent on destroying you is another matter.

In the end, you don’t need to destroy your children’s relationship with their parents. If a parent is “difficult” those kids will figure it out on their own. But if you do it, not only is that on you, it will also come back and bite you in the butt one day.

11. I Wish I Knew That When You Leave, Take Everything With You

If you leave your home be prepared to never enter again or claim anything. Courts are not too fussed with belongings or furniture. And once gone, sometimes you won’t have any right to enter again or claim your things. When you step out that door take everything you need or want straight away or be prepared to walk away from it all.

12. I wish I knew it applied to online accounts

The courts are filled with old rules and outdated systems. Online accounts/presence are never returned. I lost my 6-figure business in our divorce because they simply didn’t know how to make an absent person return an online entity.  You can read the Truth about Travel With Bender here.

I remember being logged out of Amazon. This was a huge loss to me. Decades of books. I didn’t pick up a book for 5 years after my divorce.

Email accounts, social media accounts. The court could not help me with any of it and I lost it all.

Make sure you change your passwords and secure your emails before you divorce. Even if you think “he would never do that”.

13. I Wish I Knew About Single Mums

I immediately felt the stigma that came from being a divorced person. Like you somehow caused it. That somehow you weren’t worthy enough to stick around and remain a family. Maybe it was just my head, but I felt the burden heavily.

Single mums just seemed to have the world against them. From working to relationships to banking. Did you know banks immediately give single mums less of a chance, you’re already down a bunch of points when applying for anything.

Single mum also happens to be a phrase I despise since my relationship status has nothing to do with my parenting. I’ve always called myself a solo parent, as even loved up and coupled now I am still a solo parent to my kids. Married, single, defacto my relationship has no bearing on how I raise my kids, nor is it anyone’s business.

Miss, Mrs, Ms is another argument we could have – how is my relationship status any of your business while a man remains a Mr? But now I digress.

Despite how you’re treated or how you feel you are worthy of love, this is a lie that is not true. Here’s a list of other lies divorced mums sometimes tell themselves.

14. I Wish I Knew I’d Miss My Children

Most Dads have it worse. My partner went from kissing his children goodnight every night to seeing his kids for 2 days every 14. Ouch.

I remember the first time my kids went away for a weekend; I was a blubbery mess. Then that first week’s vacation. I did not stay home. I left the country; I knew if I stayed home, I would end up crying in my room all week.

You miss them. You may even miss massive milestones, birthdays, and Christmases. Nothing will ever be the same and it’s the biggest price of divorce.

The greatest gift my children’s father ever gave me was disappearing. I never miss a part of my kids’ lives ever. They are here every Christmas morning, they share their days with me, we holiday whenever and wherever we want, and I am beyond grateful for that.

I’ve seen how hard co-parenting can be. And while I above all wish my children had a relationship with their father, I am so glad I didn’t have to accept missing one part of their wonderful, miraculous lives.

15. I wish I knew it affected everyone

At first, divorce is about you and him. Then it’s the kids. Then it bleeds into your family with grandparents taking sides and being involved.

And then it affects your friends. If you’ve shared decades of love how do your friends continue to be involved in both your lives? Ultimately, they can’t and sides are drawn.

A narcissist will often reach out to friends and immediately try to “cement” friendships in their favor. And those convinced by that act are worth letting go.

But real friends they know. It didn’t take convincing; it didn’t take much at all. I have always been the friend maker, the time giver, the one to run our social life so no one was surprised when he dropped off the face of the earth. It made life so much easier for them all because no choice ever came about.

Consider this in your divorce, are there friends you’re going to lose? What about family? Grandparents? Sister-in-laws? Grandkids? Fur babies?

In the intricate tapestry of life, the journey through divorce is both a challenge and an opportunity for profound transformation. These insights are not just my lessons; but I hope become beacons of resilience.

In the echoes of what was and the whispers of what can be, may we find the strength to not only survive but to thrive in the chapters yet to unfold.

May your journey be one of growth, self-discovery, and ultimately, renewal. Remember, in every ending, there is the potential for a beautiful new beginning.

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